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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
TEIAM - problem solved
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.