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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.