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Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.