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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.