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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
The fox says you need to stop.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?