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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?