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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.