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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.