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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...