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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.