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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.