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I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.