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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.