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You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Insert coin to view my status message.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Carfax but for people
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Iām still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.