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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Iām so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.