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I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.