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Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.