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Oh and BTW,,, Why haven`t Pig Pen`s parents been visited by child services yet?
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I am used but in good condition.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?