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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.