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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Iām that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
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I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon