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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`