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Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.