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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
It should really be called teethpaste.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.