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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.