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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?