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If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
is a mystery you´ll never solve
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."