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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
Long story short, I love summaries.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.