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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.