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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.