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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?