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Will be drunk until further notice.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?