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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.