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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.