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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!