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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.