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I put the o in illiterate!
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.