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My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.