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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. Iām sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.