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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.