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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of