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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.