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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.