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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*