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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.