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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal