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They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".