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Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.