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They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red