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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m