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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.