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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.