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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...