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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Save water- shower with me!
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.